From the moment we are born, society turns our genitals into identity, into rules and into a “correct” way of loving. That is where much of the problem begins.
The problem begins practically at birth. Someone looks at a baby’s genitals and, depending on whether they have a vulva or a penis, decides whether they are a girl or a boy. From that moment on, everything else begins to be constructed: how they should dress, which toys they should use, which bathroom they belong in, how they should behave, which emotions they can show and, later, who they should be attracted to.
I am not saying that different bodies do not exist. I am saying that having a vulva or a penis should not determine who you are, how you should live or who you can love.
Yet from childhood, we are separated. Boys’ and girls’ bathrooms. Boys’ and girls’ clothes. Different games, colors, behaviors and expectations. This separation is introduced when we are still especially vulnerable and believe what adults teach us. Before we can discover who we are, we have already been told who we should be.
Then we grow up and many people begin the struggle to free themselves from what was imposed on them. Some need to change the way they are recognized. Others discover that they are attracted to people of the same gender. Others understand that the gender of the person in front of them matters far less than the chemistry, desire, connection or love that arises between them.
In some countries, cultures and environments, sexual diversity is beginning to be experienced more naturally, especially among some of the younger generations. But we cannot generalize. There are young people who grow up with greater freedom and others who remain subject to very rigid family, religious and cultural rules. Age does not guarantee a more open mind: it all depends on what we have learned, what our environment allows and how much value each person places on questioning it. There is still a great deal to normalize.
Two men can be attracted to each other. Two women can fall in love. Two bodies with a penis or two bodies with a vulva can feel desire, tenderness, pleasure and love. What is so difficult to understand about that?
When a connection arises between two people, there is a reason for it. You do not have to experience it personally to recognize that it is real. I do not have to experience exactly what you experience in order to respect what you feel. That is called empathy. It is also emotional, sexual and cultural intelligence.
Instinct and sexuality do not develop in isolation from society. Culture decides which desires it considers normal, which ones it tolerates and which ones it punishes. What is experienced naturally in one place or at one point in time can become a reason for rejection, shame or persecution somewhere else. That is why many people do not live according to what they feel, but according to what they believe they are allowed to feel.
We live far too concerned about what people will say, about imitating others and about not stepping outside the norm. And the worst part is that those who follow these rules also join forces to monitor and punish those who live with greater freedom. Sometimes they do it through social rejection; at other times, through communities, institutions and outdated laws that end up making life difficult or destroying the lives of people who are not harming anyone.
At this point in my life, I still find it incredible that someone cannot understand that two people of the same gender can be attracted to each other. But what surprises me even more is that they do not simply fail to understand it, but feel the need to judge it, criticize it, prevent it or say that it disgusts them.
Where does that disgust come from? Is it truly theirs, or were they taught it? Where does the reproach come from? Why does it bother them what other people freely do, consensually and without harming anyone?
We do not need to understand every other person’s desire from our own experience. We need to accept that we are not the measure of all people. The fact that something does not awaken my desire does not mean that it is wrong. The fact that I would not live a particular relationship does not give me the right to despise those who do.
For me, true freedom begins when gender stops functioning as a boundary. When a vulva or a penis stops determining how you have to behave, who you should desire and what kind of life you are allowed to build.
Perhaps it is not about eliminating bodies, differences or the identities that each person chooses for themselves. It is about eliminating the obligation to live according to an imposed category. Stop turning genitals into destiny.
My motto is simple: make things easier.
If two adults love each other, desire each other, respect each other and do not harm anyone, why should we make things complicated for them?
And above all, why does it matter to you what other people do?
I, Cris Blas, throughout my experience as a Sex Coach, have learned that listening to, respecting and understanding sexual diversity is essential to experiencing sexuality with greater freedom and without prejudice.
